Like many naive women in the early aughts, I looked to Sex and the City for…I don’t want to say a “guide” but, like, thoughts on how to become a liberated woman once I was out on my own in the world. And like many naive women, I too was bamboozled.
Only this time it wasn’t the unrealistic ideals of having an Upper Middle-Class income on a freelance writer’s salary in New York City. (As a freelance writer, let me tell you, any designer clothes I have are courtesy of thrift stores) Rather it’s about one specific thing: the pearl thong.
Wait, What’s a Pearl Thong and What Does It Do?
If you’re unfamiliar, a pearl thong is a g-string thong that replaces the “thong” of fabric with a string of pearls. The string is often on some kind of thread that has a little elasticity to give the pearls some ability to move around. The goal of the pearl thong is to rub the pearls against your clitoris or hood and stimulate them while you walk around.
Here’s Why a Pearl Thong Doesn’t Work
On paper, the pearl thong sounds great, right? Walking around all day, getting a nice little bonus. In the episode where Samantha receives one from her partner Richard, she’s walking up a flight of stairs and getting off nearly instantly. It becomes too much and she ends up taking the thong off so she can keep running up the steps to (she thinks) catch Richard having an affair.
Here’s the thing, though: It just doesn’t work that way. And after googling this to see if I’m insane, I’ve learned that I am most definitely not alone in this.
I’ve tried three different versions with two of them being from LoveHoney (One, Two. Both I got in XXL and they were too big. I’d recommend sizing down if you’re going to give it a shot) and the third from Amazon (Plus Size). In all three instances, the imitation pearls pinch. Or rather, the elastic thread they’re on lets them move around and so they’ll end up pinching any hair you have. So unless you’re fully waxed, butt and all, you’re in for a BAD time.
Also, to be totally honest, I wasn’t thrilled with having these pearls rub up against my anus. It wasn’t stimulating anywhere and just made me feel like I was going to yelp out in pain at any time.
I tried them with lube just to see if that might help more but nope.
Also, based on reviews from LoveHoney it seems like people wear these during sex, too. Granted, I didn’t try this since I had such an unpleasant experience wearing them on my own so I cannot imagine the horror of wearing these elastic beads against mine and my husband’s genitals. I envision it’s something like those old sitcom tropes where kids got their braces caught together while kissing. Except, you know, with a dick.
Review overview
Summary
5
